i am only human.

i am human. [sigh]

let me ponder this again.

this is something that i have had to give myself grace with. i feel like ever since 4.20.2013 (the accident), my life has been going nonstop. i make mistakes. i forget to call friends back. i text back responses days later. i forget to text back at all. i've neglected those close to me. all of these things have been unintentional. and all of these things i intend to work on. i am just asking for grace. because next to Jesus, people are the most important thing to me.

the last few months of my life have consisted of physical therapy three times a week. planning and attending baby showers. birthday parties. family events. out of town guests. dog sitting. graduations. weddings. photography gigs. hair gigs. family emergencies. [moving] etc, etc. it's a bit overwhelming. and i have now come to a place where i can work on building those relationships again. did i mention i am in a long distance relationship, as well? yeah, that takes work. for real. i am not asking for a pity party. i chose to do these things. and i loved being a part of every moment.

in the midst of it all, one thing remains the same. my Jesus continues to hold me up. and love me. i am constantly learning. vulnerability and transparency are at the top of the list. go big or go home, right? haha. i love being human. i love making mistakes. i love being on the bottom. because it forces me to rely on Him and not my own ways. [my flesh is so eager to be right.] but i can only go up from the bottom. and i come out on top with a new understanding. and a new lesson learned. and even more love and appreciation for others and my Jesus.

i am learning. i am growing. come alongside me, will you?

as the saying goes...

hi. i'm twenty-eight. and i just moved out of my parents house. FOR GOOD. [insert deep exhale] this decision was one that was long coming, obviously, but it all happened so fast. this year has been one of so many changes already. i feel like everything i have/am experiencing should have already happened many years ago. but the beauty is that it is all in God's timing. every day i remind myself that God's got me. "i am my beloveds and He is mine." He looks down and says "that is my child. my beautiful daughter. i delight in her." and i am so unworthy. excuse me while i take a few minutes to soak it all in...again.

  ::intermission::




2013 brought on:

a boyfriend. he's simply wonderful. and constantly pushes me towards knowing Jesus better. he prays for me. he understands me. but...i have to be real with him. i need to be transparent and let my "emotions" out. this has been a rough thing for me, honestly. i am one that holds things in. i just deal with them. suck it up and move on. but i have been working on it. not only with him, but with my friends, as well. and as hard as it has been so far, it has been so worth it. that journey alone has been draining.
an accountability group. initially it was for our personal health goals. but it has turned into something far more than i could have ever thought it would. these women are Godly women who have  pushed me. encouraged me. inspired me. prayed for me. challenged me. they have done so much and i thank God daily for them. once again, i have been pushed to open up more. and it has been nothing short of a blessing.
moving out. i have "grown up" as society would say. but i've always been one to go against the grain. i never took advantage of my parents. or expected them to pay for my bills. or feed me. i was living with them, yes. but i was supporting myself. and society's labels can go somewhere. i cried the second night i was out. (figures) but it was more of a release. i forced myself to look at my friends and their lives. people as a whole. this is what you do. this is how you move forward. i put my big girl panties on. and now i have more time to myself. i love being around my family with everything in me. but now i have time to be still. and i love that fact. i feel myself drawing nearer to my Jesus. i am excited more than anything. i am growing.

so i say hello to future nights of friends and fellowship. wine and tears. food and laughs. and the love of my sweet, sweet Jesus never leaving. cheers to rebirth.

journey: flesh.

first of all, where have i been?! it's been a hot minute. i know this. i've been on a journey as of late. that word can have so many meanings to it, don't you think? journey: that awesome big hair, girly looking band from the 80's who just won't stop believing; an adventure full of shenanigans. with no limits; a deep finding of oneself; an emotional roller coaster. i tend to be in the last two. with some help from the first.

about six weeks ago i started to pay more attention to my health. to my well-being. i wanted to put myself first, because it seemed like i was always trying to make everyone else happy. not to the extreme to call myself a "people pleaser". i think i am well-balanced in that area. but i was always working, doing hair, babysitting, helping everyone else out with their daily lives, that i was neglecting my own. spiritually, physically, even mentally. i found that when i don't give myself the extra time i start doubting. i despise that word, honestly. doubt. just poke and laugh at me right now because that's what  i feel doubt does to me. i'll start to do something, then see someone doing it better. it motivates me at first, then it creates self doubt in my mind. "they're so good. i don't even compare." i need to give myself a mental slap in the face. it's challenging to sway your thoughts.

my "journey" was so exciting in the beginning. i was finally taking time for myself. now, it's hit a rough spot. i am still pushing through, don't get me wrong. but excuses are beginning to appear. and i have to mentally slap myself. and constantly repeat the promises to myself that the Lord has given me. so many times in our lives we are pushed down and we believe the negative. "don't believe the negative thoughts and lies. they aren't true. God has such a bigger destiny for you and you are worth it." i've said this many times to friends recently in lending some words for their own doubts. everyone goes through it. it's how you push through and who you rely on that truly matter. "for i know the plans that i have for you,' says the Lord. 'plans to prosper you, not to harm you. plans to give you a hope and a future." jeremiah twenty-nine:eleven. one of my favorite verses is psalm 139:14. it says "i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. i know that full well." ahhhhh. such sweet, sweet words. i am human. i have human emotions. but He carries me. He's near. and i am swept away by His love.

there will be a day.

i tend to sit and wonder about a lot of things. most of them dealing with myself. my future. my now. others are about my family. something happened this weekend that made me think, "did this really happen? i can't believe this is going on. this wasn't supposed to happen this way." it was a wake up call. for everyone involved. and the person that i pray that it affects the most, i can't even begin to wonder what's going on in his mind. i have tried for so many years. to "save him". once i realized i couldn't and would never be that "savior" in his life, i decided to detach myself emotionally. i didn't want to get hurt for his bad decisions. and i prayed and prayed so hard for him. my friends have fasted for him. we actually fasted for him last week. this life changing event is an answer to prayer, i think. God has His own way of doing things. i am not one to question Him. with my eyes as swollen as they would be from an allergic reaction, my head pounding from crying too hard, and my face absolutely emotionless...i sit and i thank God for His protection. that no one was hurt physically. the emotional pain is there. it's very real. but my family is still here. completely unbroken. and we are together. i honestly don't know what the next step will be. but i know that all i want is for the Lord's will to be done. for my brother to be ok. for him to be here. all of himself, completely present. and for him to enjoy life. to have a good life. it will be done. i believe it. i believe my Father.

ode to a woman.

life is so full of many ups and downs. and for the past two months mine has been a steady flow. there have been no rollercoasters in my daily routine, unless you count work. but even that has been unchanging. i took time to stay home to help with my little brother and grandmother. he had just been through a surgery and she has been unable to care for herself the way she's been able to before. she needs more help with things. but more importantly, she needs to be reassured. that things will be ok. that nothing is wrong. that what she thinks is happening, really isn't. it's weird being on this side of the road. she used to be the one to comfort me. to let me know things are alright. my grandmother helped raise me since my mom was a single working parent. she took me to school. picked me up. when i woke up in the middle of night scared from a dream she would pray with me and let me lay with her. she always had the tv on. the sound was off. but the glow was a comfort. when we came home from school she would tell us to look for surprises. she would always hid candy and money in the couch cushions. we would walk to 7-11 everyday so she could get her mtn. dew. she was so addicted. haha.  she would tell us to "take Jesus" everytime we left the house. she still does. :) when i set out to write, i didn't have this in mind. i had a completely different direction. but i guess Jesus had other plans. of all the people in my life to have loved the most, it's been her. she really is special. i know that my Jesus has a special place for her. and trying to prepare myself for that day is almost impossible. but i treasure the moments i still have with her. and i will never ever forget the ones that have already passed.

i guess what got me thinking was the night i just had. i got to spend time with my brother who has been in california for a discipleship program. all of the other people involved in the program were there as well. we had such sweet, inspiring conversations. and i love being around people that inspire me. that encourage me and help me strive to push after the Lord. i was thinking how much i appreciate them. what a blessing they are to my life. i think most my posts are about people. haha. but it's so true. i love them. deeply. so thank You, Lord. You have blessed me beyond with the people in my life.

in my head.

i tend to let my thoughts overtake my mind most the time. like today, i was cleaning trays at work and all i had in my head was a random eighties song from a one hit christian wonder. then i have to shake myself out of it. most the time it's crazy thoughts that don't make sense. the ones you wonder about how they even got started to begin with. i am so lost about how i haven't written a book yet. (which is totally on my bucket list. soon.) my whole life i have wanted to write a children's book. every time i went to the bookstore i would immediately head for the children's section. when i was in elementary school i would pick books based on their illustrations. which totally makes a difference, don't you think? and i was always right about them. when i was a preschool teacher my favorite part of the day was storytime. i loved making the different voices and hearing the kids laugh. (seriously, if you have kids, you need, need, NEED to get skippyjon jones) now that i am older and more mature, HA!, i desire to put my thoughts down on paper. i feel like they are all wanting to burst out of me. i just haven't had the right outlet for them yet.
 
i always feel that urge to write after i've read something great. or those cult books where they have a large following and you think, why couldn't i have a dream about a man sparkling in the sun? why couldn't i have thought about a simple story like that and make millions? (twilight fan right here, don't get me wrong) i just have that desire to write a book. and i will accomplish that dream. i'm sure of it.

a mind lively and at ease, can do with seeing nothing, and can see nothing that does not answer. -jane austen.

you are my joy.

since the beginning of this year God has begun to do a change in my heart. one that makes me yearn for Him more. yearning is such a sweet thing, isn't it? when it's for the right thing, that is. i made a decision this year. to change my life around. to be the best i could be. to strive for holiness. to be who i was created to be. and in this process comes self doubt. there are so many things in my life that i doubt are the right things to be doing. at this moment i am in a struggle with my spirit. where do i go from here? what's my next step? i get so overwhelmed with thoughts of the future that i feel utterly consumed. i could hold my breath under water with as much weight on top of me as possible and that would be the feeling i have. if i think about it too much i start to get anxiety. but in the midst of it all is my Jesus. who said he would never leave me. never forsake me. do i believe his words? his promises? with every inch of my soul. i know that this season will pass. that i will look back and think, "why did i ever worry?" i tend to do that as a human. too much.

i was reading my bible the other day and i was brought to philippians. recap: paul was in prison. writing to the philippian christians who were concerned for him. the overall theme of philippians is joy. rejoicing in the Lord. paul is in prison. hello?! are you getting this? here's this man. put away in darkness. writing to his friends who are worried and yet he writes with such joy. he says, "now i want you to know brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." one:twelve. i was honestly humbled. if this man can rejoice in his struggles, surely i can have joy no matter the circumstance. a lot of ugly emotions have tried to make their way into my life these past few weeks. jealousy being the forerunner. i despise jealousy. it weighs you down. it suffocates you. jealousy is nothing but lies from the enemy. lies from the enemy need one thing. promises from my Father. i had to remind myself, "i am worth something. i mean something to people. I AM LOVED." easier said than done. yeah, yeah. but once i actually stopped and listened to those words. listened to Him speak them to me, then it became a reality. emotions have been my biggest enemy in this life, i think. but my God is bigger. and that's that. believe in who He says you are.

i will praise You in this storm.