you are my joy.

since the beginning of this year God has begun to do a change in my heart. one that makes me yearn for Him more. yearning is such a sweet thing, isn't it? when it's for the right thing, that is. i made a decision this year. to change my life around. to be the best i could be. to strive for holiness. to be who i was created to be. and in this process comes self doubt. there are so many things in my life that i doubt are the right things to be doing. at this moment i am in a struggle with my spirit. where do i go from here? what's my next step? i get so overwhelmed with thoughts of the future that i feel utterly consumed. i could hold my breath under water with as much weight on top of me as possible and that would be the feeling i have. if i think about it too much i start to get anxiety. but in the midst of it all is my Jesus. who said he would never leave me. never forsake me. do i believe his words? his promises? with every inch of my soul. i know that this season will pass. that i will look back and think, "why did i ever worry?" i tend to do that as a human. too much.

i was reading my bible the other day and i was brought to philippians. recap: paul was in prison. writing to the philippian christians who were concerned for him. the overall theme of philippians is joy. rejoicing in the Lord. paul is in prison. hello?! are you getting this? here's this man. put away in darkness. writing to his friends who are worried and yet he writes with such joy. he says, "now i want you to know brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." one:twelve. i was honestly humbled. if this man can rejoice in his struggles, surely i can have joy no matter the circumstance. a lot of ugly emotions have tried to make their way into my life these past few weeks. jealousy being the forerunner. i despise jealousy. it weighs you down. it suffocates you. jealousy is nothing but lies from the enemy. lies from the enemy need one thing. promises from my Father. i had to remind myself, "i am worth something. i mean something to people. I AM LOVED." easier said than done. yeah, yeah. but once i actually stopped and listened to those words. listened to Him speak them to me, then it became a reality. emotions have been my biggest enemy in this life, i think. but my God is bigger. and that's that. believe in who He says you are.

i will praise You in this storm.