costume jewelry and panties.

i had this huge blog written out and once i read through it, i realized it sounded a bit elementary.

it was about emotions and how i don't show them. maybe that's why i didn't like it. haha.

i miss my best friends. i miss not being tired all the time. and i miss taking pictures.
once my body decides to produce more iron, i think i will be more motivated to do things.

these are just a few thoughts on my mind as of late. well, the last five minutes anyway.
i promise one of these days i will get around to actually making something out of this blog.
and it will be fantastically wonderful. i have so many hopes for it. i really do.

the night sky and my dreams are about to colllide. sometimes i wish i could fall asleep with all my costume jewelry on. just so i can feel pretty even as i sleep. but anything on my body that isn't attached normally tends to annoy the bloody hell out of me. even socks. i wake up feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. until i take that item off my body and instantly feel better. it's totally a mental thing. i blame it all on the fact that my mother let me wear nothing but panties around the house until i was in the third grade.

i think i've rambled enough. sometimes i feel like i'm having an intellectual conversation with someone while i'm typing my thoughts out. then i realize it's just a computer. and all i'm doing is talking to myself really until i hit the publish button. don't i feel sheepish. 

to my thoughts. to my memories. to my dreams. goodnight.

i shoot people.

sometimes ya just gotta let it out.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
i feel slightly frustrated with myself.
i have such a wonderful schedule and most days i feel like i get [nothing] accomplished.
except for the laundry.
i am wanting so badly to get out into this world and do more.
i don't want to sound like i am complaining about my life.
far from it. i just desire more. yearn for more.
thank you, Lord, for creating me to be a longing individual.
haha. so i started to do a little research on things.
i am wanting to get more into photography. more like drown my life in it.
that would be the absolute ultimate.
and i found this wonderful site.
i shoot shows.
it has tips on what lenses to use.
where to get them, even.
which for me is awesome. it's all in one place.
this has become my passion over the past few years.
and i can't wait for it to become more. 

hallelujah.

"whatever's in front of me, i choose to sing."

for the past few months God has been pulling at my soul. when i felt Him, i pushed Him aside. thinking, "i'll come back later." you see, i always felt like i never had that "rebellion" period. i was always the one who acted older for her age. i guess it was because growing up as the oldest, i felt responsible. to be the example. to be the one who took care of everyone. to be my mom's helper. so when i recently turned twenty-six, i decided i didn't want to feel that way anymore. i wanted to worry about one person: myself. i began going out every weekend. trying to get rid of my inhibitions. and obviously it didn't work. i never did anything wrong really. did i make out with random boys? no. did i get drunk and dance naked in the middle of a bar? definitely not. i was trying not to feel. but, i felt so empty. i would like to blame it all on things going on in my life, but that's just a cop out to me. i made the choices. maybe it was out of emotion. but i was looking towards the world for that reassurance. not to the one who i should have been looking to. the irony is that while God doesn’t need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time. "when it's dark and it's cold and i can't feel my soul, You are still good."

even when i wasn't loving Him, God was loving me. He was waiting [for me]. the God of the universe who knows every bird that falls, every tear that starts, every heartbeat....His affections are on me. i can just see Him up there with His angels. when every person comes to Him, or realizes they need to come back, what He must be feeling. i imagine Him calling to them. gathering them, saying, "look! her gaze is on me! can you see her?!" i am a sinner. and i am on a journey. to loving Him more. and to show others that sweet, sweet love. selah.

so it starts.

                                                                        

 
 this humors me. welcome to my blog. and my life.