p.s. i love you.

life. it's crazy, huh? everyday i am constantly dwelling on those i love. places i want to venture to. things i want to experience in this life before i go to the next. so many things are wanting to burst out of me that i get overwhelmed. i don't know where to begin. i could write a list of all the things i wanted to do in my life. and when i looked at it, i wouldn't be able to decide where to start. as i write this i am listening to the soundtrack for p.s. i love you. it makes me think of ireland. see what i mean? where do i even begin?

life. it can take you by storm. as of a few months ago things were fine with my family. we were all healthy. going on with our lives as normal. then my little brother starts limping one day. we just think it's an injury from him playing. but it doesn't go away. turns out it's a tumor in his hip. thank you, Lord, for warning signs! he had surgery and the tumor was benign. came home just in time for christmas. :) i can't begin to explain the joy and gratefulness i have that my little brother is healthy. i serve an amazing God. to know that he is going to be ok. it's just so wonderful.

life. it brings trials to strengthen you. you were given this life because you were strong enough to live it. walk with your head high everyday. and even if you've been hurt, keep your heart wide open. and still love with all you have. i've been hurt. i've been struggling. but i always love. through it all. that's what makes you the best you can be. that's what makes you such a strong, beautiful person. i wouldn't be able to love without Jesus first loving me. He is my Teacher. my Healer. my Strength. nothing i do is ever from myself. i have no strength on my own.

life. what a blessing. this year is almost over. and i look back with no regrets. only lessons learned. and blessings undeserved. oh, how i love this life. and my Lord. to the next year. continuing this journey of knowing Him more deeply. more intimately. and to knowing myself as i learn what He has planned for me. what He created me to be. all glory to Him.

"for God so loved the world that He GAVE..." john 3:16. be a giver this year. be a lover this year. and be His this year.

the greatest thing you'll ever learn.

there is one thing that i dwell on everyday. besides my love affair with Jesus. which i feel is something i am constantly dwelling on. but the thing that i really do enjoy thinking about is people. and the relationships i have in my life.

i love people to the death. and sometimes i may not be able to show it to them. but i care so deeply for people. and the friends that are in my life. i think about the ones i've had for decades. the ones i created so many memories with. these relationships are tucked in the deepest parts of my heart. i am not letting them go. ever. then there are the ones who i've only recently become great friends with. yet somehow i feeel as though i've known them forever. you connect on such a deep level. these ones will be hopefuls. the ones i long to keep around. then there are those who you can't even describe it in words to someone the relationship you have. you know them. they know you. and nothing you can do or say can ever make them think differently of you. they stick by your side through the hard times. they encourage you when you're down. they say the most ridiculous things you've ever heard. and sometimes you might actually think they're crazy. but all of this just makes you smile. makes you feel so blessed to be able to call them "friend".

"there is no fear in love..." first john four:eighteen.

i used to be afraid to love. but God has changed that fear into something beautiful. and i have learned to love recklessly. to have such a reckless abandon with my own heart is so freeing. i am not saying that all my relationships are perfect, by any means. but i have been given a new sight.

i want to love.

costume jewelry and panties.

i had this huge blog written out and once i read through it, i realized it sounded a bit elementary.

it was about emotions and how i don't show them. maybe that's why i didn't like it. haha.

i miss my best friends. i miss not being tired all the time. and i miss taking pictures.
once my body decides to produce more iron, i think i will be more motivated to do things.

these are just a few thoughts on my mind as of late. well, the last five minutes anyway.
i promise one of these days i will get around to actually making something out of this blog.
and it will be fantastically wonderful. i have so many hopes for it. i really do.

the night sky and my dreams are about to colllide. sometimes i wish i could fall asleep with all my costume jewelry on. just so i can feel pretty even as i sleep. but anything on my body that isn't attached normally tends to annoy the bloody hell out of me. even socks. i wake up feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. until i take that item off my body and instantly feel better. it's totally a mental thing. i blame it all on the fact that my mother let me wear nothing but panties around the house until i was in the third grade.

i think i've rambled enough. sometimes i feel like i'm having an intellectual conversation with someone while i'm typing my thoughts out. then i realize it's just a computer. and all i'm doing is talking to myself really until i hit the publish button. don't i feel sheepish. 

to my thoughts. to my memories. to my dreams. goodnight.

i shoot people.

sometimes ya just gotta let it out.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
i feel slightly frustrated with myself.
i have such a wonderful schedule and most days i feel like i get [nothing] accomplished.
except for the laundry.
i am wanting so badly to get out into this world and do more.
i don't want to sound like i am complaining about my life.
far from it. i just desire more. yearn for more.
thank you, Lord, for creating me to be a longing individual.
haha. so i started to do a little research on things.
i am wanting to get more into photography. more like drown my life in it.
that would be the absolute ultimate.
and i found this wonderful site.
i shoot shows.
it has tips on what lenses to use.
where to get them, even.
which for me is awesome. it's all in one place.
this has become my passion over the past few years.
and i can't wait for it to become more. 

hallelujah.

"whatever's in front of me, i choose to sing."

for the past few months God has been pulling at my soul. when i felt Him, i pushed Him aside. thinking, "i'll come back later." you see, i always felt like i never had that "rebellion" period. i was always the one who acted older for her age. i guess it was because growing up as the oldest, i felt responsible. to be the example. to be the one who took care of everyone. to be my mom's helper. so when i recently turned twenty-six, i decided i didn't want to feel that way anymore. i wanted to worry about one person: myself. i began going out every weekend. trying to get rid of my inhibitions. and obviously it didn't work. i never did anything wrong really. did i make out with random boys? no. did i get drunk and dance naked in the middle of a bar? definitely not. i was trying not to feel. but, i felt so empty. i would like to blame it all on things going on in my life, but that's just a cop out to me. i made the choices. maybe it was out of emotion. but i was looking towards the world for that reassurance. not to the one who i should have been looking to. the irony is that while God doesn’t need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time. "when it's dark and it's cold and i can't feel my soul, You are still good."

even when i wasn't loving Him, God was loving me. He was waiting [for me]. the God of the universe who knows every bird that falls, every tear that starts, every heartbeat....His affections are on me. i can just see Him up there with His angels. when every person comes to Him, or realizes they need to come back, what He must be feeling. i imagine Him calling to them. gathering them, saying, "look! her gaze is on me! can you see her?!" i am a sinner. and i am on a journey. to loving Him more. and to show others that sweet, sweet love. selah.

so it starts.

                                                                        

 
 this humors me. welcome to my blog. and my life.