journey: flesh.

first of all, where have i been?! it's been a hot minute. i know this. i've been on a journey as of late. that word can have so many meanings to it, don't you think? journey: that awesome big hair, girly looking band from the 80's who just won't stop believing; an adventure full of shenanigans. with no limits; a deep finding of oneself; an emotional roller coaster. i tend to be in the last two. with some help from the first.

about six weeks ago i started to pay more attention to my health. to my well-being. i wanted to put myself first, because it seemed like i was always trying to make everyone else happy. not to the extreme to call myself a "people pleaser". i think i am well-balanced in that area. but i was always working, doing hair, babysitting, helping everyone else out with their daily lives, that i was neglecting my own. spiritually, physically, even mentally. i found that when i don't give myself the extra time i start doubting. i despise that word, honestly. doubt. just poke and laugh at me right now because that's what  i feel doubt does to me. i'll start to do something, then see someone doing it better. it motivates me at first, then it creates self doubt in my mind. "they're so good. i don't even compare." i need to give myself a mental slap in the face. it's challenging to sway your thoughts.

my "journey" was so exciting in the beginning. i was finally taking time for myself. now, it's hit a rough spot. i am still pushing through, don't get me wrong. but excuses are beginning to appear. and i have to mentally slap myself. and constantly repeat the promises to myself that the Lord has given me. so many times in our lives we are pushed down and we believe the negative. "don't believe the negative thoughts and lies. they aren't true. God has such a bigger destiny for you and you are worth it." i've said this many times to friends recently in lending some words for their own doubts. everyone goes through it. it's how you push through and who you rely on that truly matter. "for i know the plans that i have for you,' says the Lord. 'plans to prosper you, not to harm you. plans to give you a hope and a future." jeremiah twenty-nine:eleven. one of my favorite verses is psalm 139:14. it says "i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. i know that full well." ahhhhh. such sweet, sweet words. i am human. i have human emotions. but He carries me. He's near. and i am swept away by His love.

there will be a day.

i tend to sit and wonder about a lot of things. most of them dealing with myself. my future. my now. others are about my family. something happened this weekend that made me think, "did this really happen? i can't believe this is going on. this wasn't supposed to happen this way." it was a wake up call. for everyone involved. and the person that i pray that it affects the most, i can't even begin to wonder what's going on in his mind. i have tried for so many years. to "save him". once i realized i couldn't and would never be that "savior" in his life, i decided to detach myself emotionally. i didn't want to get hurt for his bad decisions. and i prayed and prayed so hard for him. my friends have fasted for him. we actually fasted for him last week. this life changing event is an answer to prayer, i think. God has His own way of doing things. i am not one to question Him. with my eyes as swollen as they would be from an allergic reaction, my head pounding from crying too hard, and my face absolutely emotionless...i sit and i thank God for His protection. that no one was hurt physically. the emotional pain is there. it's very real. but my family is still here. completely unbroken. and we are together. i honestly don't know what the next step will be. but i know that all i want is for the Lord's will to be done. for my brother to be ok. for him to be here. all of himself, completely present. and for him to enjoy life. to have a good life. it will be done. i believe it. i believe my Father.

ode to a woman.

life is so full of many ups and downs. and for the past two months mine has been a steady flow. there have been no rollercoasters in my daily routine, unless you count work. but even that has been unchanging. i took time to stay home to help with my little brother and grandmother. he had just been through a surgery and she has been unable to care for herself the way she's been able to before. she needs more help with things. but more importantly, she needs to be reassured. that things will be ok. that nothing is wrong. that what she thinks is happening, really isn't. it's weird being on this side of the road. she used to be the one to comfort me. to let me know things are alright. my grandmother helped raise me since my mom was a single working parent. she took me to school. picked me up. when i woke up in the middle of night scared from a dream she would pray with me and let me lay with her. she always had the tv on. the sound was off. but the glow was a comfort. when we came home from school she would tell us to look for surprises. she would always hid candy and money in the couch cushions. we would walk to 7-11 everyday so she could get her mtn. dew. she was so addicted. haha.  she would tell us to "take Jesus" everytime we left the house. she still does. :) when i set out to write, i didn't have this in mind. i had a completely different direction. but i guess Jesus had other plans. of all the people in my life to have loved the most, it's been her. she really is special. i know that my Jesus has a special place for her. and trying to prepare myself for that day is almost impossible. but i treasure the moments i still have with her. and i will never ever forget the ones that have already passed.

i guess what got me thinking was the night i just had. i got to spend time with my brother who has been in california for a discipleship program. all of the other people involved in the program were there as well. we had such sweet, inspiring conversations. and i love being around people that inspire me. that encourage me and help me strive to push after the Lord. i was thinking how much i appreciate them. what a blessing they are to my life. i think most my posts are about people. haha. but it's so true. i love them. deeply. so thank You, Lord. You have blessed me beyond with the people in my life.

in my head.

i tend to let my thoughts overtake my mind most the time. like today, i was cleaning trays at work and all i had in my head was a random eighties song from a one hit christian wonder. then i have to shake myself out of it. most the time it's crazy thoughts that don't make sense. the ones you wonder about how they even got started to begin with. i am so lost about how i haven't written a book yet. (which is totally on my bucket list. soon.) my whole life i have wanted to write a children's book. every time i went to the bookstore i would immediately head for the children's section. when i was in elementary school i would pick books based on their illustrations. which totally makes a difference, don't you think? and i was always right about them. when i was a preschool teacher my favorite part of the day was storytime. i loved making the different voices and hearing the kids laugh. (seriously, if you have kids, you need, need, NEED to get skippyjon jones) now that i am older and more mature, HA!, i desire to put my thoughts down on paper. i feel like they are all wanting to burst out of me. i just haven't had the right outlet for them yet.
 
i always feel that urge to write after i've read something great. or those cult books where they have a large following and you think, why couldn't i have a dream about a man sparkling in the sun? why couldn't i have thought about a simple story like that and make millions? (twilight fan right here, don't get me wrong) i just have that desire to write a book. and i will accomplish that dream. i'm sure of it.

a mind lively and at ease, can do with seeing nothing, and can see nothing that does not answer. -jane austen.

you are my joy.

since the beginning of this year God has begun to do a change in my heart. one that makes me yearn for Him more. yearning is such a sweet thing, isn't it? when it's for the right thing, that is. i made a decision this year. to change my life around. to be the best i could be. to strive for holiness. to be who i was created to be. and in this process comes self doubt. there are so many things in my life that i doubt are the right things to be doing. at this moment i am in a struggle with my spirit. where do i go from here? what's my next step? i get so overwhelmed with thoughts of the future that i feel utterly consumed. i could hold my breath under water with as much weight on top of me as possible and that would be the feeling i have. if i think about it too much i start to get anxiety. but in the midst of it all is my Jesus. who said he would never leave me. never forsake me. do i believe his words? his promises? with every inch of my soul. i know that this season will pass. that i will look back and think, "why did i ever worry?" i tend to do that as a human. too much.

i was reading my bible the other day and i was brought to philippians. recap: paul was in prison. writing to the philippian christians who were concerned for him. the overall theme of philippians is joy. rejoicing in the Lord. paul is in prison. hello?! are you getting this? here's this man. put away in darkness. writing to his friends who are worried and yet he writes with such joy. he says, "now i want you to know brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." one:twelve. i was honestly humbled. if this man can rejoice in his struggles, surely i can have joy no matter the circumstance. a lot of ugly emotions have tried to make their way into my life these past few weeks. jealousy being the forerunner. i despise jealousy. it weighs you down. it suffocates you. jealousy is nothing but lies from the enemy. lies from the enemy need one thing. promises from my Father. i had to remind myself, "i am worth something. i mean something to people. I AM LOVED." easier said than done. yeah, yeah. but once i actually stopped and listened to those words. listened to Him speak them to me, then it became a reality. emotions have been my biggest enemy in this life, i think. but my God is bigger. and that's that. believe in who He says you are.

i will praise You in this storm.
 

the water hole.

josh is having a baby. right now. oh, bloody hell.