sometimes ya just gotta let it out.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
i feel slightly frustrated with myself.
i have such a wonderful schedule and most days i feel like i get [nothing] accomplished.
except for the laundry.
i am wanting so badly to get out into this world and do more.
i don't want to sound like i am complaining about my life.
far from it. i just desire more. yearn for more.
thank you, Lord, for creating me to be a longing individual.
haha. so i started to do a little research on things.
i am wanting to get more into photography. more like drown my life in it.
that would be the absolute ultimate.
and i found this wonderful site.
i shoot shows.
it has tips on what lenses to use.
where to get them, even.
which for me is awesome. it's all in one place.
this has become my passion over the past few years.
and i can't wait for it to become more.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
hallelujah.
"whatever's in front of me, i choose to sing."
for the past few months God has been pulling at my soul. when i felt Him, i pushed Him aside. thinking, "i'll come back later." you see, i always felt like i never had that "rebellion" period. i was always the one who acted older for her age. i guess it was because growing up as the oldest, i felt responsible. to be the example. to be the one who took care of everyone. to be my mom's helper. so when i recently turned twenty-six, i decided i didn't want to feel that way anymore. i wanted to worry about one person: myself. i began going out every weekend. trying to get rid of my inhibitions. and obviously it didn't work. i never did anything wrong really. did i make out with random boys? no. did i get drunk and dance naked in the middle of a bar? definitely not. i was trying not to feel. but, i felt so empty. i would like to blame it all on things going on in my life, but that's just a cop out to me. i made the choices. maybe it was out of emotion. but i was looking towards the world for that reassurance. not to the one who i should have been looking to. the irony is that while God doesn’t need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time. "when it's dark and it's cold and i can't feel my soul, You are still good."
even when i wasn't loving Him, God was loving me. He was waiting [for me]. the God of the universe who knows every bird that falls, every tear that starts, every heartbeat....His affections are on me. i can just see Him up there with His angels. when every person comes to Him, or realizes they need to come back, what He must be feeling. i imagine Him calling to them. gathering them, saying, "look! her gaze is on me! can you see her?!" i am a sinner. and i am on a journey. to loving Him more. and to show others that sweet, sweet love. selah.
for the past few months God has been pulling at my soul. when i felt Him, i pushed Him aside. thinking, "i'll come back later." you see, i always felt like i never had that "rebellion" period. i was always the one who acted older for her age. i guess it was because growing up as the oldest, i felt responsible. to be the example. to be the one who took care of everyone. to be my mom's helper. so when i recently turned twenty-six, i decided i didn't want to feel that way anymore. i wanted to worry about one person: myself. i began going out every weekend. trying to get rid of my inhibitions. and obviously it didn't work. i never did anything wrong really. did i make out with random boys? no. did i get drunk and dance naked in the middle of a bar? definitely not. i was trying not to feel. but, i felt so empty. i would like to blame it all on things going on in my life, but that's just a cop out to me. i made the choices. maybe it was out of emotion. but i was looking towards the world for that reassurance. not to the one who i should have been looking to. the irony is that while God doesn’t need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time. "when it's dark and it's cold and i can't feel my soul, You are still good."
even when i wasn't loving Him, God was loving me. He was waiting [for me]. the God of the universe who knows every bird that falls, every tear that starts, every heartbeat....His affections are on me. i can just see Him up there with His angels. when every person comes to Him, or realizes they need to come back, what He must be feeling. i imagine Him calling to them. gathering them, saying, "look! her gaze is on me! can you see her?!" i am a sinner. and i am on a journey. to loving Him more. and to show others that sweet, sweet love. selah.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
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